If consequences and punishments can look the same on the surface, does it really make a difference whether the underlying intent is different? I believe it does, though the difference may be subtle. Ultimately, the difference between consequences and punishments is that with consequences, the child and the parent are on the same side, and with punishment they are on opposing sides. At some level, this message will come across.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Consequences and punishment
If consequences and punishments can look the same on the surface, does it really make a difference whether the underlying intent is different? I believe it does, though the difference may be subtle. Ultimately, the difference between consequences and punishments is that with consequences, the child and the parent are on the same side, and with punishment they are on opposing sides. At some level, this message will come across.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Monday, January 7, 2013
Broken homes
I recently came across this on a message board:
"When I was a kid I envied a girl whose parents were divorced because they showered her with material things to either compete with each other or make up for the lack of time each one spent with her. Later I saw that I was the lucky one, with a happy and intact, if not materially blessed, home."
It contains all the right sentiments - appreciation of home and family over material wealth, and sympathy, if a trifle smug, for the poor girl from the broken home.
As a divorced mother, I get a bit tired of children from "broken homes" being used as all-purpose examples of those needing pity. Divorce is hard, no question, for all involved, but what exactly is it that makes us see divorce as the greatest tragedy of childhood?
There's the upheaval of the divorce itself, and reduced time with one or both parents. Then there's how the parents handle things - whether they badmouth each other in front of the children, or use the children as messengers, or all the terrible things you hear about parents doing (not that married parents don't sometimes do terrible things.)
But I get the feeling that what people like the above poster really mean, is that parents must have have been selfish to get divorced in the first place; that good parents don't do that.
"When I was a kid I envied a girl whose parents were divorced because they showered her with material things to either compete with each other or make up for the lack of time each one spent with her. Later I saw that I was the lucky one, with a happy and intact, if not materially blessed, home."
It contains all the right sentiments - appreciation of home and family over material wealth, and sympathy, if a trifle smug, for the poor girl from the broken home.
As a divorced mother, I get a bit tired of children from "broken homes" being used as all-purpose examples of those needing pity. Divorce is hard, no question, for all involved, but what exactly is it that makes us see divorce as the greatest tragedy of childhood?
There's the upheaval of the divorce itself, and reduced time with one or both parents. Then there's how the parents handle things - whether they badmouth each other in front of the children, or use the children as messengers, or all the terrible things you hear about parents doing (not that married parents don't sometimes do terrible things.)
But I get the feeling that what people like the above poster really mean, is that parents must have have been selfish to get divorced in the first place; that good parents don't do that.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
The next Parent Schmooze
The next Upper West Side Parent Schmooze will be Thursday, Feb. 7, and the topic will be tantrums and power struggles. This is an informal talk, and you will have the chance to ask questions or share experiences. Childcare is provided and food will be served.
RSVP miriam@thesingularparent.com
RSVP miriam@thesingularparent.com
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