How to tell children about tragedies

Children know when their parents are upset and frightened.  Sometimes, pretending nothing is wrong can do more harm than good.  When children ask questions about difficult topics, here are some good, simple tips for how to talk to them honestly.  When in doubt, ask more than you tell.  Try to find out what they understand, and what their fears are.

Santa Claus

Santa never came to our house - not even Hanukkah Harry did.  Presents came from parents, whether you had been good or bad.

I do remember, though, my son asking me if the Tooth Fairy was real.  I hesitated.  "Do you want the truth?" I asked.  "Yes," he insisted.  "The Tooth Fairy is mommies and daddies," I told him.

He was not happy with this answer, and I was not happy giving it to him, but I felt strongly, and still do, that when you are asked a direct question you have an obligation to answer truthfully, even (especially) with a child.

For the record, I had never actually told him there WAS a tooth fairy.  I put money under his pillow, of course, but did not say where it came from.  He learned about the tooth fairy from friends at school.  I was willing to play along.  My own parents had simply handed me money when I lost a tooth; they did not want to feed into any superstitious nonsense.  I was pretty upset by this.  I knew perfectly well that there was no tooth fairy, but geez, couldn't they let me have the fun of putting my tooth under the pillow like everyone else?

I wish I could ask for his opinion in retrospect, but my son has no memory of this conversation, or of ever believing in the Tooth Fairy (or Santa Claus).

How to say "No" to kids

Rabbi Ed Gelb offers these words of wisdom on saying "no": 

Saying – or hearing – no can be valuable because it teaches that we do not always get what we want and that individual desires have to be weighed against other concerns. A thoughtful no can help children be less selfish and see things from other people’s points of view. ...Many of us confuse being told no with not being heard. Young people, whether campers or staff, often think that a no means their viewpoints are not being taken into account. ... It can be hard to understand why a petition is denied, but there is comfort in knowing that your view has been heard.

Of course, saying no should not be a reflexive reaction. I often have to fight the urge to say no to my kids when they ask for something because it requires less thought or effort on my part. By really listening to someone and considering the request, we build trust and confidence in the decision that is reached – whether yes or no.

Upper West Side Parent Schmooze

Join us Thursday October 11th for our first Parent Schmooze of the new school year, at 5:45 at Finger Painted Hands on 126 W 83rd St.

What is a parent schmooze?  It is part support group and part parenting class, in a fun and informal setting.  If you have a topic you would like addressed you can email me or bring it up at the meeting.  Bring questions or stories to share.  Topics can include Getting kids to listen, Separation anxiety, Power struggles, Child development stages, Divorce and Separation, and more.

Don't worry if you don't have a babysitter - onsite childcare is provided.  Refreshments will be served as well.

We ask for a donation to cover childcare, food and space.  Please email me with any questions or to let me know you will be there.

Divorce all over again

Say you get married, you have children, and you get divorced.  Most people are going to be concerned about these children.  Most people understand that it is best for the children to continue to have a strong relationship with both parents.

Now say you get married to someone who already has children, and then get divorced.  What now?  They are not "your" children, so it doesn't much matter, does it?  Or does it?

In many cases, a step-parent becomes a real parent figure, sometimes the only father or mother that the child remembers.

Sometimes the former step-parent feels like a parent, and wishes to continue to see the children, but doesn't feel right continuing contact with the ex - after all it's not as though they had a child together.  Sometimes a new spouse might resent the continued contact with the ex's family.

Sometimes the former step doesn't haven't any interest at all in continuing to see a child who may think of them as a parent.

While we have made great strides as a society in addressing the needs of children whose parents have divorced, step-relationships are - dare I say it? - the forgotten step-children of divorce.

What is proactive discipline?

Many people think of consequences as synonymous with discipline.  This means that raising children consists mainly of waiting for them to mess up and then reacting.  Proactive discipline is concerned with what leads up  to the behavior.

A job or a relationship?

"Parenting is the most important job you will ever have."

Yes, I suppose it is.  But...  I don't really think of raising my child as going to work, not even to a job that I love.  Not that parenting isn't hard work; it often is.  Still, at its heart, being a parent isn't about the job or the skills or the tactics or the effectiveness.  It's about the relationship.

Then again, relationships can be hard work, too.