How to tell children about tragedies

Children know when their parents are upset and frightened.  Sometimes, pretending nothing is wrong can do more harm than good.  When children ask questions about difficult topics, here are some good, simple tips for how to talk to them honestly.  When in doubt, ask more than you tell.  Try to find out what they understand, and what their fears are.

Santa Claus

Santa never came to our house - not even Hanukkah Harry did.  Presents came from parents, whether you had been good or bad.

I do remember, though, my son asking me if the Tooth Fairy was real.  I hesitated.  "Do you want the truth?" I asked.  "Yes," he insisted.  "The Tooth Fairy is mommies and daddies," I told him.

He was not happy with this answer, and I was not happy giving it to him, but I felt strongly, and still do, that when you are asked a direct question you have an obligation to answer truthfully, even (especially) with a child.

For the record, I had never actually told him there WAS a tooth fairy.  I put money under his pillow, of course, but did not say where it came from.  He learned about the tooth fairy from friends at school.  I was willing to play along.  My own parents had simply handed me money when I lost a tooth; they did not want to feed into any superstitious nonsense.  I was pretty upset by this.  I knew perfectly well that there was no tooth fairy, but geez, couldn't they let me have the fun of putting my tooth under the pillow like everyone else?

I wish I could ask for his opinion in retrospect, but my son has no memory of this conversation, or of ever believing in the Tooth Fairy (or Santa Claus).