Consequences and punishment

If consequences and punishments can look the same on the surface, does it really make a difference whether the underlying intent is different?  I believe it does, though the difference may be subtle.  Ultimately, the difference between consequences and punishments is that with consequences, the hcild and the parent are on the same side, and with punishment they are on opposing sides.  At some level, this message will come across.

Be sure to come to Tantrums and Power Struggles, Feb 7 at 5:30 at Finger Painted Hands

Broken homes

I recently came across this on a message board:
"When I was a kid I envied a girl whose parents were divorced because they showered her with material things to either compete with each other or make up for the lack of time each one spent with her. Later I saw that I was the lucky one, with a happy and intact, if not materially blessed, home."  

It contains all the right sentiments - appreciation of home and family over material wealth, and sympathy, if a trifle smug, for the poor girl from the broken home.

As a divorced mother, I get a bit tired of children from "broken homes" being used as all-purpose examples of those needing pity.  Divorce is hard, no question, for all involved, but what exactly is it that makes us see divorce as the greatest tragedy of childhood?

There's the upheaval of the divorce itself, and reduced time with one or both parents.  Then there's how the parents handle things - whether they badmouth each other in front of the children, or use the children as messengers, or all the terrible things you hear about parents doing (not that married parents don't sometimes do terrible things.)

But I get the feeling that what people like the above poster really mean, is that parents must have have been selfish to get divorced in the first place; that good parents don't do that.

The next Parent Schmooze

The next Upper West Side Parent Schmooze will be Thursday, Feb. 7, and the topic will be tantrums and power struggles.  This is an informal talk, and you will have the chance to ask questions or share experiences.  Childcare is provided and food will be served.

RSVP miriam@thesingularparent.com

How to tell children about tragedies

Children know when their parents are upset and frightened.  Sometimes, pretending nothing is wrong can do more harm than good.  When children ask questions about difficult topics, here are some good, simple tips for how to talk to them honestly.  When in doubt, ask more than you tell.  Try to find out what they understand, and what their fears are.

Santa Claus

Santa never came to our house - not even Hanukkah Harry did.  Presents came from parents, whether you had been good or bad.

I do remember, though, my son asking me if the Tooth Fairy was real.  I hesitated.  "Do you want the truth?" I asked.  "Yes," he insisted.  "The Tooth Fairy is mommies and daddies," I told him.

He was not happy with this answer, and I was not happy giving it to him, but I felt strongly, and still do, that when you are asked a direct question you have an obligation to answer truthfully, even (especially) with a child.

For the record, I had never actually told him there WAS a tooth fairy.  I put money under his pillow, of course, but did not say where it came from.  He learned about the tooth fairy from friends at school.  I was willing to play along.  My own parents had simply handed me money when I lost a tooth; they did not want to feed into any superstitious nonsense.  I was pretty upset by this.  I knew perfectly well that there was no tooth fairy, but geez, couldn't they let me have the fun of putting my tooth under the pillow like everyone else?

I wish I could ask for his opinion in retrospect, but my son has no memory of this conversation, or of ever believing in the Tooth Fairy (or Santa Claus).

How to say "No" to kids

Rabbi Ed Gelb offers these words of wisdom on saying "no": 

Saying – or hearing – no can be valuable because it teaches that we do not always get what we want and that individual desires have to be weighed against other concerns. A thoughtful no can help children be less selfish and see things from other people’s points of view. ...Many of us confuse being told no with not being heard. Young people, whether campers or staff, often think that a no means their viewpoints are not being taken into account. ... It can be hard to understand why a petition is denied, but there is comfort in knowing that your view has been heard.

Of course, saying no should not be a reflexive reaction. I often have to fight the urge to say no to my kids when they ask for something because it requires less thought or effort on my part. By really listening to someone and considering the request, we build trust and confidence in the decision that is reached – whether yes or no.